Saturday, June 15, 2013

Defying Gravity

"Something has changed within me 
Something is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's gameToo late for second-guessingToo late to go back to sleepIt's time to trust my instinctsClose my eyes: and leap!" - Defying Gravity from the musical "Wicked"


A good friend of mine called me a chicken not too long ago. He said I was so scared, that I would never take a leap. At least not on something that really mattered. Odd conversation, huh?

Basically, he was talking about matters of the heart. He said that until I let myself be completely vulnerable by laying it all on the line, I was never going to reap the ultimate reward - love.

Taking a leap of faith, trusting another person, with what you hold dear is a frightening thing. Giving your heart to another person is ultimate human experience. It requires trust. It requires you to be vulnerable. Because only when you bare it all will you be able to reap the benefits and gain all of the rewards.

I admit to myself at least, that I have trouble doing this. The last time I took that leap it left me broken, bleeding and damaged. For years afterwards, I dated like I was out for revenge. I would not let anyone get close to me. I didn't want to be vulnerable. This doesn't mean I didn't feel anything for some of the men I dated. It just means I wouldn't let go of my pride long enough to show them I cared. As a result, these relationships never went anywhere. Was it completely my fault? No - not at all. That street goes both ways.

I've said before that my ex when we broke up told me I needed to look to myself and figure out what I want from life. And I need to stop holding back everything. He called me a fake because I never let anyone really see the real me. While that isn't true, it is true that I was never completely myself with him. Probably because I could never figure him out. I didn't know from day to day if I'd be dealing with Mr. Cool or Mr. Sickeningly Sweet. Ultimately I got to deal with Mr. Douche Bag. He really knocked my self-steem down, but his actions and words caused me to do a lot of self-examination. 

I spook. I understand this about myself. I'm afraid of intensity of emotions - mine or others. What I have figured out is I need to be honest about this in a relationship. And once I find the right person, he will understand that about me. And if he is the right person, he will have patience with me and understand sometimes I need space. The space is only so I can work my head through things. I do shut down sometimes. It may only be for a few minutes, but it could be for a few hours. Once I work my head through my problems, I'm usually fine. Just because I freak out and shut down doesn't mean I don't think the person I'm with is capable of helping me cope, it just means I need to straighten things out in my head before I proceed. 

I want to defy gravity and make a blind leap, I just need to know there is at least a possibility of a net if I fall. I don't have to see the net, just know there could be one. 

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"




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