Saturday, May 25, 2013

You have no right

"You have no right to ask me how I feel.
You have no right to speak to me so kind.
I can't go on, just holding on to ties
Now that we're living separate lives."

Those words are from one of my favorite Phil Collin's songs, "Separate Lives." It is a beautiful song, but until the last few years it never really struck a chord.

I write sometimes about the one who got away, or the right man at the wrong time, or even to wrong man at the right time. I honestly believe God has a plan for me. Every relationship I've been in has taught me a little bit more about myself. 

I have been examining past relationships lately, and trying to get to know me again. Thinking back at my feelings and reactions at certain points in my life. I tend to run scared. I back away from actually feeling anything, or if I do feel something, I hide it in fear of rejection. Not very good behavior on my part. I guess I always figured I'd know the second I met someone. The stars would shine and music would play. I forgot to figure in the fact that I overanalyze everything.

I recently had an opportunity to talk to an ex of mine. I hurt him. I know I did. I also loved him. He scared the crap out of me. Everything about our short relationship (so short, most people never knew we ever dated) was intense. It was a fluke. We never should have even been around each other. It was like lightening struck. From the beginning, we spent every minute we could together. But me, I had plans. I needed to get out and away in the worst way. There were lots of other factors, which I will not discuss, but I couldn't do it. I chose to say goodbye. He ended up getting married a few years later. I actually saw him a couple of days before the wedding. I wished him luck and walked away with the sense I did the right thing.

Damn me and my guilty conscience. I made the decision to leave. I decided that I couldn't be tied down. I didn't factor in that someone might be willing to wait. Or work with me. I just felt trapped. I was not ready. In my panic, I forgot to look around me into the eyes of someone who loved me. To finally learn just what I meant to him, I feel like I want to fly, but at the same time feel like a knife has been stuck in my heart.

I have said I can't stand jealousy, but a little is a good thing. I would never purposely try to make someone jealous, but sometimes it can't be helped. Someone recently said to me that even though they have no right to be they were a little jealous. They can't be. I don't belong to them. I never really did. In another life, things might be different. He is jealous of my freedom and I am jealous of his lack of freedom.

Regardless of that, there are still lots of feelings lurking around. And I'm allowed resentful feelings. I can't regret what I did because I did the right thing. But now I'm alone. If I had been a little braver and less selfless, I might be the one with the family. We might have been the ones with a family. There is nothing that can be done to change things now. 

I think that was the last time I was selfless to the point I hurt myself. I gave up something that meant so much because of guilt I felt. At this point I refuse to feel guilty. I do do selfless things, but if I can avoid noticing someone else's need I will. I am very selfish and self-centered. I do it on purpose. It puts cracks in the dam of my tough facade when I take a real look at what's going on around me and notice things. Maybe my dam needs to break so I can function better or maybe not. 

Back to the lyrics of the song, no one currently has the right to ask me how I feel, or to treat me kind. I sometimes get looks of concern from an ex, and I want to say - where was that concern when we were together??? He has no right to think of me, and look at me, or be concerned about me. Every time I catch a glimpse of those feelings, or someone tells me how much I meant to them, and they wish things could be different, I think of the song referenced above, and the lines I quote below:

"Someday I might, find myself looking in your eyes,
But for now we'll go on living separate lives."

No comments:

Post a Comment