Jealousy much?

I hate to blog when I'm already up too late, but I have been neglecting the stories of my babies - Jax and Jessie. Jessie rarely does anything interesting, but tonight Jax pulled one I have to share.

Anyone who know Jax knows he is mean and most unfriendly. He rarely gets close to people, but when he does he is likely to hiss, spit and growl at you. The effect of this behavior is usually white knuckle fear of Jax for the rest of his existence. Most people are scared of him, but others adore his mean ways.

Basically Jax keeps company out of my house most of the time. I'm ok with this usually. Jax's bad behavior is usually directly proportional to the amount of fear a guest is feeling. The worse the fear him, the worse he acts. It is embarrassing.

Earlier this year I was blessed with a guest who had no fear. The friend who brought me home from my hospital stay had never met Jax. After we got home and put me in bed, she laid down next to me. I was going back to sleep, so she decided to take a nap too. Jax crawled up on the bed (carefully avoiding all of my incisions) and laid in between us. He faced her to make sure she didn't hurt me, but he was cuddled against me. The did the same thing when my sister came to visit and she slept in my bed with me. He got in between us and guarded me.

Jax basically only cuddles with me and rarely even will show people he can be sweet. Tonight, however he did something I have never seen him do -- He crawled into someone else's lap to lay down. Granted I was right there, but Jax actually curled up half on me and half on someone else. He then proceeded to meow a lot and look daggers at my friend. I didn't think of it until my friend said Jax was jealous.

Jax has been acting really strange and crying and basically being a pain the ass lately. Now I know why. He is jealous. He doesn't like sharing me very much. At least this time, thank goodness, my friend falls on the "I'm not scared" end of the spectrum. Even so, I afraid Jax was attempt to bite, so I didn't let him stay there long. Jax just isn't used to someone else having my attention. Poor guy.

How sad is it that the single thing I have wanted Jax to do his entire life finally occurs, but its caused by jealously. Still - he was cute trying to guard me tonight.

End of the line...Or is it?

I feel I must make one last post in honor of the close of Happy Days. We have been working on this since June, and it has been a big part of my new life in San Antonio.

I used theater to help meet new people when I moved to Arkansas in 2004. I didn't plan on it, but ultimately I made some very good friends that way. I miss them very much, but although I love my Village Player friends, this time is a little different. This may sound strange, but I really feel like I've made friends through LPAG. People who I like, enjoy spending time with and might actually spend time with outside of a production.

Part of this might be that most of the people I met are within my age range. It is easy to bond with people when you have common interests. I have a new Zumba buddy and a new lunch buddy. I have people who I can call on to go out if I want. We are already talking about future outings, and I know I that even if I have to go to lunch early, I have someone I can meet. And even better, these are people who I don't work with. How do you spell relief? I love my old co-workers, but there is a certain pressure when you socialize and work with people. You have to maintain a certain decorum. Not one person gave me a hard last night when I fell. And everyone knows me falling down while wearing heels is not a rare experience. I shouldn't have put them back on. And boy are my legs bruised up. At least it was on carpet this time.

Not since I lived in Fort Worth, have I felt protected when I was out and about. I mean, I remember going to clubs, and always having some gentleman in the group watch out for us girls. These gentlemen would make sure we weren't bothered, keep us out of trouble, and generally make sure we were ok. I specifically use the term gentlemen because it takes one to exhibit that kind of behavior. Last night I have plently of protectors. At one point I was waiting for the bathroom, and I was a little too close to a bad influence, and a friend started yelling at me from across the room demanding I come back over to him to stand. When that person left, he passed on the duties to someone else. I even had someone who offered to drive me home last night, and checked on me this morning to make sure I was ok. How cool is that?

There was a point during the show where I wasn't sure I would go back to LPAG. Now I know I probably will. I like the environment. I enjoy the new people I met, and I feel like I can be myself. Thank goodness I have had the opportunity to make some new friends. Now I have options and opportunity. As a very wise one we sometimes refer to as the baby bird said, you have to widen your circles. I have a who new circle with new friends and that is a good thing.

I leave you with something I said earlier to a friend...I really like San Antonio, and I really think San Antonio likes me.

Tears of a Clown

This week, if you were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of my softer side, I had a few moments that nearly brought me to tears. Those brief moments in time that brought me such joy, if even for a few minutes.

I do not make a secret of the fact I can no longer have kids. I know I can adopt, but that is no something I would choose to do on my own. I really did want to have kids, and my inability to conceive has caused much heartache. I can honestly say that particular defect of mine has been responsible for many sleepless nights full of tears.

On Tuesday night, a beautiful little girl kept hugging me. I finally grabbed her and pulled her into my lap and just held on. There is literally no feeling in the world like holding a child in your arms. She was so sweet to let me (as was her dad, who barely knows me). I then danced with her and then sang karaoke with her and her brother.

On Wednesday, another beautiful little girl started crying, so i picked her up. Damned if she didn't stop crying before holding on to me with dear life. She wouldn't even go with her father when he returned. I love that feeling of complete rust when a child holds on to you.

Finally there is "my girl", who started crying when I said I wouldn't see her for a few weeks. Seeing the tears in her eyes broke my heart. I wish her brother felt the same way, but I will take Bree's tears and hugs.

The point of these stories is I do love kids. And when I can handle the emotions, I will play with your kids all day long. And love on them like nobodies business. However, please understand that some days it hurts. Some days my heart is is filled with such sorrow, I can barely function. I wish I could tuck those feeling away. Please allow me to mourn my lost opportunity. I will pull myself together and come back eventually.

Do I have an ego?

Recently I have been contacted by several strangers on facebook. Some are app buddies, those people I have added as friends in order to further achieve goals on various games. Others I have no idea where they came from. I'm friendly enough when I want to be, so sometimes I will chat with these strangers. As long as they aren't freaks, I do not seem the harm.

However, again recently I have been getting those who want to do more than chat. Those who are making innuendos and straight out asking if we can spend time together. One even asked me to be his girlfriend (sorry if you are reading this). One friend is different. We regularly comment back and forth with each other and I have even pointed out his nice posts to various friends and even my dad. Not long after someone asked me to be their girlfriend, this friend instant messaged me and asked if we could talk. He'd like to get to know me better. I responded - as long as you don't ask me to be your girlfriend. LOL. I thought it was funny.

Fortunately, he looked past my rudeness and I feel I have made a good friend. I'm even talking to him on the phone. Last night he told me his first reaction when I made the girlfriend comment was look at her ego. Who does she think she is? Then after talking to me he realized it was because I kept being approached. However, I do have an ego. To a certain extent away.

I can say without bragging or any ego whatsoever that in the past 16 months I have quit smoking. I was a pack a day smoker for about 18 years. That is a huge accomplishment. To add on to that I have lost over 75 pounds without surgery. I have literally worked my ass off. And I am not small. I will never be small. I'm 5'8" and almost 40 years old. My goal was to look better at 40 than I did at 30. You can be the judge of whether that is true or not, but I feel better. I'm run/walking, taking Zumba, lifting weights and even doing squats.I can really get low and I can hold myself in that position. I feel strong and capable. I don't feel like I can't walk down a mountain.

I feel like maybe I can climb a mountain. So sue me if I enjoy a very cute sailor who is only 21 flirting me. Excuse me if I enjoy a little attention. Excuse me if I want a little attention. I promise you I am a wallflower who usually fades into the background until I decide I'm tired of it. Another friend said I'm like a butterfly coming out of my cocoon. It's true.

So if I feel good about myself and have a little bit of ego, just let it go. And know I have a big enough ego, that I won't put up with someone ignoring me for long. Life is too short to waste time.

Oh what a tangled web...

No, I'm not deceiving anyone. You know me much better than that by now. I'm a pretty honest person so unless I am struck speechless, I will usually answer when asked a direct question. That is if I am able to. There are certain circumstances when keeping quiet the the best thing to do, either for myself or the other people involved.

Not too long ago a proposal was made to me. I admit this was one of the times I was struck speechless. I think I mumbled for about 10 minutes while someone sat there and looked at me waiting for me to respond. I had so many things going through my mind at the time and I really wasn't sure how to go about getting my thoughts out of my head into words. Come to think of it, I never really got all of those thoughts out. Again those who know me well are probably amazed something could shut me up.

Back to my situation. I was asked to consider something I had never considered. Something I have rarely ever thought about. Something that has the potential to be very bad for me. While I was mumbling and thinking things through and blushing because I was embarassed that I couldn't put my thoughts into words, I was being basically laughed out for my predictament. Talk about an eye opening experience.

I worked it out eventually with the help of a few friends and a lot of thinking about the situation and its consequences. There are many who may not agree with my choices, but as my friend told me the other day -- Fuck it!!! The only one possibly being hurt by my current actions is me. I'm a big girl, and big girls don't cry, they get even. Just kidding. I have nothing to get even about. I was faced with another hard thing this weekend, and I admit I didn't really handle it in the best way (maybe downing a bunch of drinks during the show and after the show wasn't a great idea, but it got me through the night).

I lived and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm afraid I did what I usually do when nervous, which is talk way too much, laugh a little too loud, dance a little too much, etc. If I act like I don't care too much, then I can cover the fact that inside I may be scared or sad or mad or crying or whatever outrageous thing I am feeling at the moment. And armed with my boots last night I was ready for anything. It's funny, I put on my boots to help me with my stage fright, and boy did they work. It didn't keep me from completely screwing up one of my scenes, but it got me through everything else.

All in all I like to keep things out in the open. I mean like, duh, have you read this blog? That being said there are some things people just don't need to know. I do know what I'm doing and if I get hurt, I get hurt. I probably need to get hurt. It might break the ice I've keep around my heart for years. I also deserve to have a good time. I have been too serious for too long. So if you don't agree with me, support me. I'm not hurting anyone. I need a change and I'll say it...

Texas sooooo agrees with me!!!

Friends and Good Times!!!

I was trying to explain to someone recently about my tendency to hang around guys as opposed to girls. In recent years, most all of my friends have been women, but there was a time in my life where guys were the only ones who talked to me. So in high school, I hung out the guys. Before Arkansas, I hung out with the guys. Now I'm a little more balanced with my friendships.

If there is anything more hard in life for me it is making friends. Not acquaintances, but real friends. I know I'm a little off. I either internalize my feelings or I blurt things out inappropriately. For example, last night I was upset to say the least. Show nights are hard. Very nerve racking. I usually am the first one to arrive so I can get ready in plenty of time. I like to relax and prep. Last night I was late. I admit to crying and screaming. I did my makeup and hair before I left my apartment, but by the time I got there my makeup was smeared and my hair had fallen down. I arrived and put my headphones on to rock out while preparing. I danced around and sang to internalize and resolve my hurt. After that I was ready to go.

Back to friends...The other night I was embarrassed after some of my fellow cast mates sang a certain song to me/about me. Although there was no basis to the song (I am not old enough for that!!!), still the fact that they would say that about me knocked my on my arse. What did I do to deserve that? I went home on Thursday night and started a marathon of instant messages and calls. I posted on Facebook that I was embarrassed and everyone and their dog started asking me about it. So the whirlwind began. My apologies in advance if I use your name.

Lee first hit me first. I instant messaged him and he told me just to F*** it, forget what people are saying and have a good time. Good advice, Lee. I will think of it every time I embarrassed. I then talked to my good friend Tom, who is also the director who gave me the confidence to sing. I told Tom about the serenade, and after a few minutes of giving me a pep talk the theater person in him just said - that is "so freaking cool." He seems to think it help bond the cast, and said he never seen something like that. I love you, Tom!!! You made me laugh and look at it differently.

Then I instant messaged a few other people - B.S., A.R. and a few of my friends from Arkansas. I was sick so I took I codeine and passed out. However I was wide awake at 3 a.m. Then enters John. I got back on my computer and there was John. He is so sweet. He ended up calling me and we talked until after 4 a.m. He gives great advice and he is wonderful to talk to. I thank him for being there to help me talk through my current situation. He is an amazing person. And I've never even met him. In fact, the other night was the first time we have spoke. Talk about a rare friendship.

I thank everyone who spoke with me in some way the other night. I was seriously brooding, and you lightened me up.

Tonight I have more friends coming to the show. Two very good friends. My cyberbully is bringing his wife and son (have fun at the San Antonio Zoo today!!!) and my little sister, Becky. Becky has been chomping at the bit to see me in play for years. I hope neither are disappointed.

Thanks my friends. I do not know what I would do without you. And to some of the new friends I have made through this show - let's do keep in touch. A good friend is hard to find, and I really feel I found a few good ones.

Happy Days!!!

Me with my "husband and daughter" Ashley and John waiting for rehearsal for final dress.

A short post full of pics for this early, early morning. Here are some pictures from our practices. Tonight is the opening after three very hard months of rehearsal. We are tired and sick, but we are still rocking it out - most of the time.

I really do not recommend a three month rehearsal schedule, but I can see why it is necessary with a production sponsored by a military organization. We have lost people left and right. Deployment in San Antonio. Deployment to Afghanistan. The military way is so unstable.

Our Happy Days T-shirts.

Marion - w/ bad hair.

Our director said it best tonight - we were strangers a few months ago. Because we aren't a military unit, it takes more for us to pull together as a team. And I can honestly say I have made some new friends during this production. I always pull this out, but to those who know me, I do not make friends easily. I tend to offend people a lot and they don't like putting up with me. Every once in a while, I do make the kind of friends who will stay friends.

I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be a part of this production. Even when I may cry or scream, or cuss a blue streak for whatever reason, I have had a great time. It is so rare I get the opportunity to shine. And among so many talented people, makes it an even more pleasurable experience.

Happy Days is here. Opening tonight on Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX. See us tonight, tomorrow night, or next weekend on the 23rd and 24th. Let me know if you want to come see it. It is so worth it.

Practice makes perfect!!!

I really hate this scene on so many levels. 

These days are ours....

Goodbye gray sky's hello blue...it is almost showtime. Happy Days opens this weekend. I can't believe it. After three months of rehearsal it's time. And for once I have like a bunch of people are coming to the show. Someone in my family is actually going to hear me sing outside of the shower.

We have worked so hard the past months. And our hard work is showing. I'm getting so nervous. I hate singing in front of people. But the cast of this show is by far, as a whole the most talented I have worked with. Such voices.

Despite sickness and injuries this will be a great production. We have worked too hard for it not to nail it. I hope some of you will have the pleasure of seeing it.

Busted...

Not really busted, but I will admit I was attempting to keep a certain situation on the D/L. I will not discuss it here either except in the concept of my theme today - lectures.

Last night I did the responsible thing - I didn't drive while intoxicated. As a result of my responsibility, I made it home without my car. My car spent the night, and most of the day at my designated driver's house. I was busted because I had to call multiple friends this morning to try to get a ride back to my car. Can you say embarrassed? I did the right thing though. I had no business driving last night. Heck I really had no business drinking either, but we don't always do what is best for ourselves.

The last two weeks or so I think I have had more lectures from my friends than in the last 10 years combined. And all on the same subject. The only difference is the various lectures were based on various degrees of information. Those who know me know I over analyze everything. I had to really think about my current situation before coming to a decision on what course of action I was going to take. I had to think about how I would deal with things. I also feel lighter and freer about everything. Especially today.

Believe me I know these lectures come out of love. My current situation is not ideal, and I really don't need you to tell me that. What I need from my friends is understanding that I am a big girl and can make my own decisions. I do actually know what I'm doing. I have thought it through. I am aware of the consequences of my actions and the possible repercussions. Duh - you know I overanalyze and worry -- do you really think I haven't thought it through?

I love you guys though. I am so grateful I have friends that care enough about me to lecture me. And now that I'm completely busted, at least among some new friends, I'm taking a saying that one of my friends told me at the end our her lecture the other day - Let me, "DO ME." 

Beating myself up - again!

If you see me me on facebook, you will note, I am beat up again. My ankle is purple. The only thing good this time is I didn't fall. If you know me at all you know I usually fall.

In addition to a slightly purple ankle, I have a very nice bruise located in an awkward spot. I somehow managed to scrape up my inner left thigh with the heel of my right shoe. I don't even know what I was doing, but it is pretty. See...

I wouldn't be me without an accident or two. I'm a first class klutz. I admit it. It is sad really. I trip and fall on a regular basis. It has been so much better since I lost weight, but now I'm reverting to my youth klutziness.

I've been saying for years, if it weren't for my klutziness, I would be athletic. As it stands now, I just hurt myself randomly. I am my very own slippery slope. SotodayI have been icing and elevating my ankle like crazy. Thanks to Percy for getting me an ice pack so I could ice during rehearsal. For once, my injury isn't too bad. It feels better tonight than it did earlier today, so I'd say the elevation worked.

Wish me luck as I have too much going on to be a crip. The play opens in a little over a week.

I can see clearly now...

The past few weeks I have been posting my blog like crazy. I started my blog to give myself an outlet to excess emotions. To blow off steam or get things off my mind. Lately, I've been using to work off nervous energy.

Why nervous energy, you ask? I hate unbeing unsure about how to proceed on a course of action. I really hate not having all the information available in any given situation so I may form a plan and adapt my actions based on the factual info gathered in order to arrive at the desired outcome.  MY desired outcome. I like to be prepared, know all the players and their motivations, and go into a situation armed with knowledge.

I am a researcher. I can find information like nobody's business. If the information is available, I will find it, especially on the Internet. So if I don't know about a certain subject, or I want to know more about a certain subject, I research. The best way to be prepared is to arm yourself with the best weapon imaginable -- knowledge.

I am very good at finding obscure information. And I have an insane need to know. And people, really, if you put it on the Internet it really is searchable. My researching abilities are legendary among my friends. Half of my friends think I should put my investigation skills to work for the FBI and the others think I am a cyberstalker. However, despite my super sleuthing skills nothing is better than talking. Not texting, not emailing people, but actually talking. Text and email leave too much room for misinterpretation. Written words can too often be miscontrued, without the visual cues like eye contact and body language.

So this weekend I have thrown out my research and actually had a conversation with someone. The unsurity is gone. I can really see clearly now and that is a good thing. Maybe talking is a valid method of research. Who would have thunk?

Effusive Utterances

A few of my friends might tell you I've been lighting their phones and emails up off the hook the last few weeks. At least those who actually read this blog would tell you. I have been texting, im-ing, emailing, calling...basically talking to anyone who would listen to me. I'm so sorry. You know this is not like me. I'm the one who never even looks at my phone during the day, not the person who stays online all day and texts my friends. Why now?

Part of it is boredom. I'm not quite to the busy stage at work, so I have extra time on my hands. I'm in a new place in life, and I need reassurance that I've done the right thing. I really miss my friends!!! The ones I could walk down the hall and talk to every day. However it goes back even further.

When I moved to Arkansas, I was scared and homesick. I also knew my mom was sad I left, so I made a habit of caller her every evening when I got home from work. I grew to rely on those talks as much as she did. If I talked to mom, it wasn't like I lived six hours away. The truth is my mom was one smart cookie. She read people very well and remembered details, so was able to determine people's underlying motives. She was rarely wrong. She became my sounding board. I could tell her everything without holding back, and she didn't judge. She helped me talk through situations in order to maximize the amount of good sound advice I was getting.

No offense to any of my friends, but none of you are mom. All of you have your own unique quality. Each of you offer me something different, include a variety of backgrounds that together give me a plethora of information to analyze before taking action in any given situation. I used to just go to mom. As a good friend of mine, who doesn't not read my blog because it doesn't talk about fashion, always says, you are my board of directors. The group of people I go to to use as a sounding board. I know one of you will always answer. And if I needed to, there are a few more people who I could call on also.

So today I apologize to blowing up your phones the last two weeks (months?). I've been extremely unsure of myself in a few ways. The negative, doomsday, devil's advocate part of my personality tries to come out all the time. Right now at this particular moment my head has some pretty unpretty thoughts, like is this all a joke? It can't really be serious. Are we sure this isn't some bet? I wouldn't be me without those thoughts. I thank you for your patience with me.

And to my friends who know me so well -- I think you probably know why I haven't been able to stay asleep for very long lately. I can't turn off my head. Too much to think about.