Monday, August 29, 2011

Women are Crazy, Men are Stupid

A wise friend of mine who was nice enough to listen to my woes yesterday shared with me the following quote (thank you JW ;-)):


       "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
       — George Carlin (When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?)

I have never heard that before, but wow. Even better, it came from a man. Basically I was talking about being confused and irritated over -- what else -- a man. I wish someone would solve the mystery. How do you know if someone is interested or just being nice? There are many flirts in the world. I have been on occasion accused of being one. Sometimes I just feel comfortable enough with someone just to let go, relax and let my guard down. I don't mean to flirt it just happens when I relax. Sometimes I think about it other times I don't. It is all about perception.

The problem is I don't think men and women have the same interpretations of the same events. I was getting my hair colored earlier this year by guy. A song was playing and he was happily signing along. I made the comment that the song was catchy, but really made no sense. He responded that he was a guy, he didn't listen to the words of songs. How true is that? 

Women listen to songs and its all fraught with meaning. When Christina sang about "Genie in the Bottle" years ago, girls all over the world were thinking - yes!!! That is so true. My favorite line in that stupid song is, "Hormones racing at the speed of light, but that don't mean it's got to be tonight."  Because, hello, it's important you don't just jump into things.

I again digress. My point is men and women perceive the same events in entirely different ways. The saying "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" is so true (and yes I know it comes a book, which once upon a time I actually read). When it comes to dating and crushes, you really are just taking a big leap of faith. No one really wants to go out on a limb and just say - hey, I'd like to go out with you.  Traditionally it has been a man's place to make the moves. I certainly don't want to go out on a limb. It's brutal. What if they aren't interest? What if they are just being nice? What if they just want to be friends?


The theme here is what if? My wise friend who I mentioned above also gave me some more advice yesterday. If you don't at least try, you will always be asking yourself what if. I really don't like asking myself that question.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

A New Mantra

Today at run club they pointed out that we were 13 weeks into our training. Wow, I can not believe I have been running for 13 weeks. Not counting the three weeks I sat out for my hip. I have actually run eight miles at one time. Today was a little over a seven mile run. I am killing myself doing this. However, I'm not doing all I have to do. I'm trying to do Zumba twice a week. If I remember to do it I'm lifting weights. And my friend has me trying to do this workout video from the seventies that is a ripoff of Pilates.

They also said in our lesson during our morning stretch that all runners should have a mantra. A saying that will keep you going when it gets hard. Today I decided my mantra was, " I will get through the Rock and Roll Marathon." I will just say it over and over. I will get through it. It is very sad that I have to say that to myself. I've decided running is not my calling in life. I'm slow and not very good at it. It hurts. It really hurts. Not during it, but after. I get so sore. My joints ache. It makes me feel old. I do feel like I'm accomplishing something though.

I had a great idea today. I'm going to see if my dad wants to do something with me when I'm home in November. If we aren't going to anything special for Thanksgiving, I think I might want to do the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day. It might me fun. It's like the week after the Rock and Roll, so I could do it. And if I can talk him into it, it might be something I can do with him. We will see. I even thought about doing the Dallas Rock and Roll if I can keep up in off-season.

So my new mantra is really set goals and achieve them. Small goals. Attainable goals. Thing I can actually do. Like be bold, get out of my comfort zone once a week. Talk to a few strangers to make myself get over my shyness. I'm only shy if I don't know people, and people who have known me forever, and don't know me well, don't realize I'm petrified talking to strangers sometimes. I also hate confrontations. I really hate asking for help. I hate being bored. I know - I, I, I.

I'm going to need to figure out a few more goals for myself. Things I can accomplish so I can feel better about setting more goals. I think this is the trick - small obtainable goals.  That is really my new mantra.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I'm not that Girl

"Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in..."
--"I'm not that Girl" from Wicked

I really need to slap myself back into reality. There is no knight in shining armor who is going to ride in on a white horse and save me. The man of my dreams is probably never going to walk up without me having to do a thing and sweep me off of my feet. No one is going to ease all of my burdens and take away all my worries. There is no such thing as magic.

I don't really believe every word I just typed. There are miracles and happy endings happen all the time. I however am a realist. I don't believe in fairy tales. I really wish I did. I really, really wish I did. Who doesn't want all of the things I mentioned above?

"Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl."

Yeah - you know you've been there and felt those feelings. We all have at one time or another. I have a hard time not thinking about the second and the last verse to this song...

"Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy...

Don't wish, Don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart."

I try not to show my softer side. I want to lock it up. It gets hurt too easily. It's the side that curls up in a ball crying because no one is talking to me at Christmas, and I'm the one alone. The side that causes me to withdraw from conversations at times. The contemplative side that thinks through everything. My realistic side. And yes for all of you haters - my negative side.

If you really want to know the truth, I long for a person who can distract me from my inner dialog. Make me think about other things than the things I worry about. Ease my troubled mind, and all that.

In the meantime I am stuck in reality. A life on my own terms. Not the life I would have chosen for myself, but the life I lead. I wish I could live life in la la land with my head in the clouds. God knows I would be a lighter person, but alas - I'm not that girl.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Secrets, Lies and Guilt

Anyone who knows me knows that if you ask me something straight out, I will tell you the truth. I'm pretty honest. I really don't put up with dishonest from others. I'm most likely not going to lie to you. However there are shades of truth. They are called secrets.

The secrets could be your own or belong to someone else. I have one friend who you can tell anything to and she will not crack. That is why she knows one of my big secrets. Mainly because I know she won't judge me or tell anyone. To be completely honest, I'm a wimp. I pretend to act like I don't care what people think of me, but I do. At least about somethings. I went through high school with several people spreading outright lies about me. A teacher actually staged an intervention with me because some students told him I was pregnant. The worst part was I was a virgin at the time, and I had to admit that in front of the teacher and my friends who were present for the intervention. Despite that rumors still flew. Let me clear this up...I was a senior, it was my boyfriend, and I was not then nor have I ever been pregnant. I wasn't the slut I was purported to be.

I have, and I'm sure everyone else has, done something I am not proud of. Alas, I will not be revealing all my secrets here, but a little bit of the consequence. I broke up a couple once. They had been together a long time. I refused to have anything to do with the man until he broke up with his girlfriend. I was responsible for the action, and I couldn't live with the guilt. When faced with the consequences of hurting the girlfriend, I sent the man back to her. They are still together today. It's no big deal to them anymore, but now many years later I still feel guilty every time I see one of them. I realized today that only a few people on this earth even knew this happened.  I told someone else today, making four.

I have a big secret that many people know about on the promise that they never tell certain people. This is one that I only keep from a certain person. If they asked me straight out if I did what I did, I would tell them the truth and deal with the consequences. I did nothing wrong. It didn't involve anything immoral or illegal, but it fell in gray area. I feel guilty about keeping this secret from someone who knows almost everything about me, but if I can, I will go to my grave without ever admitting it. That darn guilt again.

The moral of this story is speak the truth and be honest. There are some secrets that should stay that way, if only to avoid hurting someone. As for me, I don't lie or keep secrets well because I can't live with the guilt. I guilt myself about everything. I blame things on myself, but I'm not I will not take responsibility for things I didn't do or cause. I get pissy sometimes. I have pet peeves. I lose my temper and sometimes I lose it. I just can't help myself though, I still feel guilty if someone else is hurt. Guilt is a pain in the ass. I would love it if someone would explain to me how to let guilt out of my life. It's a life skill I could really use.

Thanks for reading another one of my rants without much point.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sentimental Crap

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition of gushy is "marked by effusive sentimentality." I spent Friday trying to explain my aversion to gushiness and why different people's perceptions of gushy might make then incompatible.

Some people perceive me as hard and closed off. They might me correct to a certain extent. Those who really, really know me, know I have reasons as to why I'm closed off. It's not really closed off so much as guarded. Guarded as to relationships. The sad part is although my romantic relationships tend to suffer more, they have the least amount to do with the reasons. I will disclaim first and foremost, to my knowledge no one I have ever gone out with has cheated on me. It's so-called friends who have caused most of my issues.

I won't get into it too much, but I have caught a few people close to me in lies. Note to people reading this - don't tell someone you can't do something then post on Facebook you are doing something else that is far removed from the lie you told someone (i.e. I have a family thing so I can't go with you, but then post on Facebook what a great party someone else had). There are people who may not know how much I mistrust them. I'm better at pretending then I used to be. My past is littered with people who have let me down, who I have cut out of my life. I distance myself to avoid the hurt.

My mom got me. Completely. One day I was talking with my mom about CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates). We were discussing how great the program and how I was always recommending it to other to volunteer for. I hesitated for a second, and mentioned people asked why I didn't volunteer. My mom, without pause, said, " You don't volunteer because it hurts you too much." Hurts too much to be around kids in pain. She always got me.

Back to gushy, I'm not comfortable with gushiness. It's not that I don't feel, it's that I feel too much. I not only feel my own emotions, but sometimes I soak up the emotions of the people around me. I hate it. I really hate it. Call it perception, but I know when people are stressed, annoyed, mad, happy, pretending, etc. At least most of the time. Sometimes when it has to do with me, I tend to miss. Since I feel these emotions around me, I tend to close off. I don 't want to be emotional. I really don't need someone to be sentimental with me. It goes back to the "Five Love Languages." I recommend that book to everyone. Every person needs something different from others. Everyone has their own love language. The trick is to understand what the other person needs. Words may not be it. It might be a touch or a gesture of some sort. A hug is worth a thousand words, unless the person needs a thousand words, then a hug won't mean much.

For the record, I've been crying for the last few days. Some of my tears have been happiness, some sadness, others anger. I'm a ball of emotion. Excuse me, but I don't need someone as emotional as I am in a relationship. I am volatile and moody and I cry. Sometimes I cry a lot. I got a phone call yesterday that caused me to break down in tears of happiness. I lock my emotions down most of the time, and that probably is the reason when they do overflow, they are a little too much. I thank God for friends who let me vent to them. Sometimes that is all I need to do. And I really do hate sentimentality. I don't want mushiness. All mushiness and gushiness does is make me want to close off more.  I am a romantic at heart, but I really don't know how to show it. And most of the time, I'm a realist. Maybe I need gushy, but only to a point. I need someone perceptive enough to know when I've reached my limit.

BUT...what do I know? I obviously am not the best judge of what is good for me.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Fear of Flying...

Chemistry. What is it? Why is it important? Is chemistry necessary? There are different kinds of chemisty. Chemistry between friends, between co-workers, and of course in romantic relationships. I mean really, if Bella and Edward and Bella and Jacob didn't have chemistry on-screen would Twilight, the movie version, work? 

There are honestly people I have known in my life with whom I have had incredible non-romantic chemistry. Mike, my favorite boss, was one of those. We had this weird relationship. We worked together seamlessly. He was sick and sometimes couldn't get his words out. I used to finish his thoughts for him. There were times when he looked at me with such a look of gratitude. Without chemistry, this wouldn't have been possible.

Think about friends you have who you are closest too. There is no explanation as to why I'm friends with some of the people I am, but I have a few friend who I can go years without talking to, but we can almost finish each other's thoughts despite the time and distance.

Today I'm worried about the romantic kind of chemistry. I have male friends who I love, who I get a long with, but they are friends. Not anything more than friends. I've even dated a friend after years because there was some chemistry. It was a mistake, because it turns out we were much better friends than something more. I'm not writing this because I have any theories as to what chemistry is. It's a fluke that some people are lucky enought to find.

I want to know why there are certain guys I have no problems at all talking to. I can be myself and be one of the guys without being the least bit self-conscience. I can laugh and joke, and relax and let loose. Be the person I usually am with my female friends. But get be near someone I'm interested in, and I clam up. I'm shy, I'm quiet. Or I try too hard. I'm akward. I'm completely not myself. I can't relax.

I was terrible not too long ago, and I kissed a man I met in a club who was nice enough to walk me home. A friend, who I told about it assumes I'm bold because I kissed a stranger. The truth is, kissing a stranger is cowardly. It takes much more strength to open yourself up to someone you like. Sure, I'm bold when I know there is no way I'm going to see a person again; however my hands start sweating and I get scared when faced with someone I like or have a crush on. No matter how old we get, don't most of us revert back to high school mentality when is comes to a crush? I found myself identfying with "Joanie" at practice the other day. We all know Joanie loves Chachi, and boy was she scared at first.

Don't we all get nervous when faced with a crush? Isn't it the best feeling in the world? It's even better when it becomes something more. Now if only I can remember how to get from point A to point B. I really need to throw shy out the window. Then maybe I'm might have something more interesting to write about. I just wish I knew whether someone was flirting or just being nice. I may need to leap before I can fly.

Friday, August 12, 2011

I'd Give Anything...Well Almost

"I'd give anything and everything to fall in love.
Just this one time I'd like to find what I've been dreaming of.
I could find someone to hold me, but it wouldn't be enough.
I'd give anything to fall in love." - Gerald Levert

At least the late Mr. Levert sang the song, even if he didn't write the words. You may or may not remember it. I do because there are times when I hear it and the resonates the longing I feel to not be alone. Those times are few and far between, but they do happen. If anyone tells you they want to be alone they are lying. No one really wants to spend their entire life without someone to share it with. Sometimes the burden of having no one to rely on is stifling. I feel suffocated by my aloneness at times. I never felt it more than when my mom died. Knowing my sisters had their husbands, and the kids had my sisters, and my dad had me and vice versa. However just once I would have liked to lean on someone. If it weren't for my friends, I never would have made it. However, as usual, I digress.

I don't really want to be alone. I would love to find love. I won't compromise myself to achieve that goal though. If it isn't true and real, then it's not worth much. Why would you pretend to be something you are not just to "catch" someone? I mean really, the bloom fades, and unless you are going to pretend the rest of your life, why would you pretend at all? If someone doesn't love you for who you are, then is it really love? It is also one thing to want to change something about yourself, but it is quite another to want to change everything about another person. We need to spend more time accepting people for who and what they are, and less time trying to change them into what we want them to be.

An acquaintance of mine, who will most likely never see this said recently that it just goes to show you that there truly is someone for everyone. I have to believe this is true. Otherwise I would go crazy. This week I have been very down. Everyone seems to have it easy and finds someone. Even some of my currently single friends have been married or lived with someone or something else. I sometimes feel like I'm a freak. If I didn't know how difficult it was to be around me, I would really go crazy. My mother, a very wise woman, once said I need someone stronger than I am, or else I will never be happy. No offense to anyone I may have dated in the past, but it's true. I do not want to walk all over someone. I want someone decisive, who knows what they want. Someone who will allow me to sit back and let them make a few decisions. Someone who is patient enough to break down a few walls I might throw up unintentionally.

I am happy most of the time. I can take care of myself. I just sometimes wish someone else would take care of me. In the meantime..."I'm searching, but there's no one that I care to talk about. All the lovers in the world, don't amount to much all I really want is one true love."

Sorry for being so sappy. I know it's not really like me.