Insecurities are a Bitch

Sorry for the curse word, but I'm about to go off an a rant. This one is not really negative. This is more like an observation. Any similarities to real life are purely intended. I only write about what I know, see, read, or observe. I do this too and will bear my own insecurities towards the end. It is bad enough we take out our insecurities on ourselves, why do we take it out on others too.

Why are women so down on themselves and other women? Why? Why are we so negative about ourselves? Why are we talk about other people when they have something we want. I know a beautiful women who has a problem area. I have no idea if it really is a problem because she guards it like nobody's business. She is always covered up. Despite the fact she is pretty, has a skin color I would kill for, she is confident and successful, she still self-depreciates.

I also have heard someone making fun of chubby girls with boyfriends. The just of the conversation goes something like this, "How did she get a date looking like that?", "She might as well not be wearing a top, she's so big it's all falling out.", "Not only is she chubby, but she's walking around with food, not a good image." I don't understand why you would assume someone couldn't get a date because they have a few extra pounds. I think it has more to do with confidence than looks. I will get back to this.

Another friend of mine is going back to school. She is smart and determined. She is also working herself into an ulcer inducing state worrying about whether she will pass her classes. For a smart girl, she can be pretty dumb sometimes. I say this will love, "YOU ARE SMART, WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU GET AN 'A' ON YOUR TEST???" Or project, or quiz. To see someone make themselves sick with stress over school when they are smart and capable kills me. You shouldn't blow it off, but stressing about it only makes you stress. It actually hurts me to hear the surprise each week when they get an "A". You are smart. Of course you made a good grade.

Everyone who reads this is pretty familiar with the fact I have lost weight. I'm still not a tiny little thing. I never will be. It is painful to be around people who are tiny and beautiful and in shape and always look put together (even in sweats) and listen to them obsess about weight. I'm starting to get a complex. I'm not a lightweight. If a little extra weight is a reason to not date someone, then I guess I will be single and alone my whole life. I'm trying to exercise, but my knees hurt sometimes, and I feel like my joints are getting stiff. I was talking to a running coach this week, and she suggested some shots for arthritis. God knows my body is damaged and beat up. I don't want to be crippled, so I have to keep going. It is unrealistic to expect I can go on at this pace forever. I can't guarantee I won't gain a little back. Most people who don't know me would think I was the chubby girl. That is why it hurts to hear someone who looks not too different than me, referred to as that chubby girl. The statement is always followed by, how can she get a date if I can't?

Now to my looks. I'm a wallflower. I blend into the crowd. I do not stand out. I will never me the one person in the room everyone notices and remarks upon. I'm the girl that has doubles everywhere. I've had friends and boyfriends actually mistake someone else for me. How sad is that? However I'm not a dog. I'm not going to be the ugly one in the room usually. And I know when I'm "on" I can attract someone if I set my mind to it. Alas, I have lost my mojo. I need my groove back. I need to remember how to be me. I used to be an consummate flirt. I was great at it. I'm a little shy though. Now I only flirt with safe people. If it is someone I might be interested in, I clam up. I went out Friday night with one purpose -- to get my flirt on. I was in a safe environment, surrounded by strangers. What better place to practice?

I think it all comes down to confidence. Confidence in yourself draws others to you. If you don't let your insecurities get to you and have confidence, others won't see the flaws. I admire a person who is not afraid to wear that daring outfit. To show their arms, wear shorts. Put on a bathing suit and walk into the sun. Now I'm not including the 300 pound woman I saw a few weeks ago with the hairiest back I've ever seen. She needed to put on some clothes in public. I shouldn't say it though. None of us should say it.

We are all beautiful people. We need to have confidence in ourselves. Maybe with that confidence, everything else will fall into place. And for the record, I was "on" enough on Friday to get someone to walk me back to my hotel. The poor guy got stranded and had to take a cab home because his friends left him. We need to throw our insecurities out the window. Myself included. The same wise person above who thinks she isn't smart enough to make "A's" told me two weeks ago, "You are so much more beautiful than you give yourself credit for." I'm going to take that and make myself believe it. Then maybe someone else will notice.

Harry Potter - The End of an Era

This weekend marked the end of an era. The era of Harry Potter. An era where children and adults had a common language and a common love. A period that saw children become adults. A time where a book brought multiple generations together.

My mom loved Harry Potter. I remember going to Walmart with her at midnight to purchase at least one of the books. Mom was struck by the number of teenagers at the store. These kids who were now grown, still excited to read a book. Not see a movie, not play a video game, but to actually read a book. When is the last time that has happened? Has it ever?

My parents, especially my mom shared with me their love of books. I love to read. Anything, everything I can get my hands on to read. My mom let me read whatever I wanted to and encouraged my curiosity. I barely remember, but she told me a story once about me asking to read "The Exorcist" when I was about 8-9 years old. She told me I wouldn't like it, but handed it to me anyway. She said I soon handed it back to her and said it was gross. I still haven't read that one. I read my first 1,000 page book when I was 11 or 12. The "Mists of Avalon" is still one of my favorites. "Gone With the Wind" is my all time favorite. The romance of it and the tragedy. I have always seen myself as tragically flawed, and I have always hoped one I wouldn't be that stupid and two someone would love me like that despite me being tragically flawed.

I didn't start reading Harry Potter until the fourth book came out. I was teaching literature at Mildred ISD. All the kids were reading it and I felt left out. I picked it up over Christmas break and fell in love. It has been a honor and privilege to share it with my friends and family. It has brought us common ground. My mom loved the books and movies. I had a big plans to go see the final movie with my family in honor of mom. Mom would have loved for us to all go together. Too bad the little shit got tickets to the midnight show. Plan blown. Oh well, I don't blame him. There is no way it could have meant the same to him as it did to me. To me, it was a last chance to do things with the "kids." The kids aren't kids anymore. They are young adults, and going to be going off to college in a month. I thought how perfect, we could all go together and celebrate one last big thing before they leave and officially grow up. At the same time we could do something together that mom would have loved.

It's an end to an era is many different ways. Goodbye to childhood. Hopefully Harry Potter will continue to cross generations and bring families and friends together in a joyful celebration of the written word.

Farewell Harry and friends. I will miss you. Thank goodness all I have to do it open a book to see you again in my imagination. Then I can watch the movies.