Saturday, November 23, 2013

I'm baaaaaccckkkk!

It has been a long time since I've blogged. I've been busy. Since my last blog I've bought a house, thrown my first party, celebrated Halloween in my new neighborhood and a few other important things. My life has changed in so many ways and I've been so busy living it, I haven't written.

My dad said to me recently (ok - two months ago), that I seemed happy and that was all he wanted for me. I am happy with most things in my life. I am a different person in so many ways. My wild streak that started when I moved to San Antonio is finally over. I've stopped my childish ways, and finally settled down. I think I needed a house. A place to call my own. The result is I've settled down.

I'm looking at my future and I see so many changes coming. Big things. Nothing will ever be the same. I'm adjusting to a different lifestyle and making long term plans for the first time in my life. 

This week I have many emotions swirling around. I miss my mom a lot. I wonder if she'd be proud of what I'm doing. I always miss her this time of year. Next week we are starting a new family tradition, and I'm excited. I'm sad, and feeling a little lonely, which is weird because I'm renting a room to a friend right now, and for the first time in my post-college life, I have a roommate. I haven't been alone in a while. I don't know what to do with myself. 

I really feel like my life has been in a holding pattern the last few months. I've been waiting for something to happen, but I'm not sure what. The anticipation is killing me. The stress is making me sick. My body is literally rebelling on me. For a month I could barely move my neck. It's better now, but it was painful to say the least. Work has been killer, and a bored co-worker has decided a passive aggressive war on me. She is a pain and has nothing better to do. It's getting old quick.

In addition to my own issues, a close friend is going through a very tough time. I try to be supportive, but sometimes I just think I'm being pushy. Giving suggestions based on my knowledge of certain things can be exhausting. I'm not sure what is worse, trying to make sure I have the correct answers or my fear of being too bossy. I'm trying to walk a fine line, and frankly I wish it was over. It's tough for everyone involved. The sooner it's over the better everyone will be.

Anyway - I just wanted to write for a few minutes. Try to focus on anything except missing people. The holidays are so hard.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Defying Gravity

"Something has changed within me 
Something is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's gameToo late for second-guessingToo late to go back to sleepIt's time to trust my instinctsClose my eyes: and leap!" - Defying Gravity from the musical "Wicked"

A good friend of mine called me a chicken not too long ago. He said I was so scared, that I would never take a leap. At least not on something that really mattered. Odd conversation, huh?

Basically, he was talking about matters of the heart. He said that until I let myself be completely vulnerable by laying it all on the line, I was never going to reap the ultimate reward - love.

Taking a leap of faith, trusting another person, with what you hold dear is a frightening thing. Giving your heart to another person is ultimate human experience. It requires trust. It requires you to be vulnerable. Because only when you bare it all will you be able to reap the benefits and gain all of the rewards.

I admit to myself at least, that I have trouble doing this. The last time I took that leap it left me broken, bleeding and damaged. For years afterwards, I dated like I was out for revenge. I would not let anyone get close to me. I didn't want to be vulnerable. This doesn't mean I didn't feel anything for some of the men I dated. It just means I wouldn't let go of my pride long enough to show them I cared. As a result, these relationships never went anywhere. Was it completely my fault? No - not at all. That street goes both ways.

I've said before that my ex when we broke up told me I needed to look to myself and figure out what I want from life. And I need to stop holding back everything. He called me a fake because I never let anyone really see the real me. While that isn't true, it is true that I was never completely myself with him. Probably because I could never figure him out. I didn't know from day to day if I'd be dealing with Mr. Cool or Mr. Sickeningly Sweet. Ultimately I got to deal with Mr. Douche Bag. He really knocked my self-steem down, but his actions and words caused me to do a lot of self-examination. 

I spook. I understand this about myself. I'm afraid of intensity of emotions - mine or others. What I have figured out is I need to be honest about this in a relationship. And once I find the right person, he will understand that about me. And if he is the right person, he will have patience with me and understand sometimes I need space. The space is only so I can work my head through things. I do shut down sometimes. It may only be for a few minutes, but it could be for a few hours. Once I work my head through my problems, I'm usually fine. Just because I freak out and shut down doesn't mean I don't think the person I'm with is capable of helping me cope, it just means I need to straighten things out in my head before I proceed. 

I want to defy gravity and make a blind leap, I just need to know there is at least a possibility of a net if I fall. I don't have to see the net, just know there could be one. 

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"